it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
