You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
