Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
