so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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