the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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