My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I skipped work to stalk him.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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