woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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