Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
