He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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