the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
