If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
