is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
