he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
