'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
