At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
