Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
