Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
there's paper in my vomit.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
