my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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