i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
