Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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