It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
