I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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