The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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