My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I wish there were birth control emojis
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
