I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
