He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
