It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize