got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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