I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
