Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
