so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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