Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
