Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
