I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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