I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
