theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it's like iHOP with fire
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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