On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
