I am puke
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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