dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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