Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
