3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize
