my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
