dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
