i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
