Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
