The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
