I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
