Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Rumble strips road head = magical
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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