I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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