I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
