Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
