You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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