Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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