Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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