So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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