You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
