I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
