Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
